Return of the Schwartz and the Dinner at Dougie's

Here is another ramble about how things were way back when.
Schwartz and I were on many adventures together over the years. Our Dad’s grew up across the street from each other, years later we went to grade school together, made aliyah around the same time, went to yeshiva together, were roommates in Toronto, and so much more. Our stories could fill a book; we both have very different interests, yet were always close friends. I think the common denominator between us is that Schwartz and I always loved the news. To this day I have a fascination with what is going on around the world and read a dozen papers every morning. A typical breakfast was Schwartz frying up a package of Perl’s beef strips (a.k.a. kosher bacon) and me eating a grapefruit and toast, or something left over from the night before like a burger. We would sit at the table and say things like “so, have you heard what’s going on in China?” to which the other would say “yeah, that train derailment in Fujian province…” to which the other would say, “no, the one about the panda biting the guy in the zoo in Beijing”. That’s how good we were, both plugged into the news and deadly at trivial pursuit.

There are so many adventures we had together over the years…There was that time Schwartz almost got arrested by the police in upstate New York while eating a bucket of chicken and speeding. Or perhaps the time when the world went crazy when he couldn’t find his keys and we were stranded at a party. Maybe even the story about being at a friend’s house in the middle of the night and being confronted by her mothers screaming Italian boyfriend. All good stories, but I was thinking of New York a few years ago. These days, even when we end up on opposite sides of the globe, we still try to keep in touch with the occasional email or instant message. I guess that was one reason it was so shocking to meet his daughter, who is now a very mature three. She is a really cute kid, who walks and talks, and of course makes me feel old. We were all together in Flushing, NY the night before she was born, and this is more or less what happened.

I guess I could start by how strange I thought it was to live in a place called Flushing, NY. I quickly got past the toilet jokes when they took me over to the Israeli restaurant literally a couple doors down on the corner and got me some delicious lamb chops. I thoroughly enjoyed the visit, and realized I would easily weigh a few hundred more pounds if I lived around the corner from that restaurant. Living in close proximity to such a delicious eatery really takes some self control. Actually, I think the restaurant was near their second apartment and doesn’t really come into this story, but how could I pass up a mention of lamb chops?

In any case, I was in visiting from Toronto, and we all went out to Dougie’s in Brooklyn. It was a Monday night, and little did I know, there was an all you can eat buffet. Dougie’s is your typical meat burger/steak/chicken kosher restaurant with some interesting flair. The table cloths were made out of paper and you could draw your dinner with the supplied crayons while waiting. They come and give you salsa and nacho chips while you’re waiting, and the service is usually good. They had some interesting items on the menu, spicy chicken poppers, salad with a liberal sprinkling of meat, grilled meats, the works. We grabbed a table, and the gastronomic orgy began. There we all sat, Schwartz, his extremely pregnant wife ML, and I. We sat and stared at the rows of the buffet, chefs whipping and grilling, all for the taking. We ordered some drinks and grabbed our plates and it was off to the races. I have heard eating spicy food helps induce labor, and since ML was just snacking on the spicy chicken poppers all night, I guess it’s true. That’s the great thing about snacking, you can say you’re not really eating, but before you know it, you have nibbled away enough meat to feed a football team. From what I recall, I went up and grabbed about eight to nine plates of food. There was some great grilled meat, meat and chicken in sauces, salads, and not much in the way of “light” food. It was a real mans meal, meat, chicken and potatoes. I think that’s where the problem was. Women might have the common sense to know when to quit or maybe switch those last ten steaks for salad, but what can I say? I was captivated by the abundance of meat for the taking. I was drinking coke like a camel as well; I think I also drank a number of water pitchers. Once it got to the point where I could no longer get up, I sent Schwartz to grab me some more, a huge miscalculation.

At the end of the meal, I had the feeling that someone had rammed a pointy box into my round stomach, and things were poking out, just like when a snake expands and swallows an elephant. I could almost feel those small round chicken poppers poking me and trying to bust out. If you are what you eat, I am scared to think what I was after that meal. When we were finally done, I got up to pay. I stumbled over to the counter and was greeted by the chirpy woman, pretending not to stare at the guy who just ate and drank her out of business. She said “thank you so much for coming to Dougie’s! I hope you enjoyed everything, can we expect to see you back soon?” My brain was a little foggy from the mass quantities of everything I had just ingested and replied “I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll be back on a Monday night, I have better self control when I have to pay for what I eat.” She thought it was funny, but since then I had not been back to an all you can eat meat place until a couple months ago when we went to Papagio in Tel Aviv. I don’t remember much else of what happened that night, we went back to their apartment and I urinated for about half an hour, and somehow got back to where I was staying and passed out. The next thing I knew, Schwartz was calling to tell me they had a baby girl, Mazel Tov!

I guess its good luck to have the dinner to end all dinners the night before you give birth, or at least watch someone else eat one. The baby lives up to the hype, because while visiting Israel a couple months ago, she sang a song about cows by the Arrogant Worms, lyrics posted below. Anyone who sings songs about cows is a singer after my own heart. Everyone can sing about love, relationships, and being a teenager in angst, you have to be a genius to come up with a good cow song. I am sure one day she will be old enough to understand how she was born with the help of Dougie’s spicy poppers, and I will still be an old guy reminiscing about the good old days.

Arrogant Worms – I am Cow

I am cow, hear me moo
I weigh twice as much as you
And I look good on the barbecue
Yogurt, curd, cream cheese and butters
Made from liquid from my udders
I am cow, I am cow, hear me moo (moo)

I am cow, eating grass
Methane gas comes out my ass
And out my muzzle when I belch
Oh, the ozone layer is thinner
From the outcome of my dinner
I am cow, I am cow, I’ve got gas

I am cow, here I stand
Far and wide upon this land
And I am living everywhere
From B.C. to Newfoundland
You can squeeze my teats by hand
I am cow, I am cow, I am cow
I am cow, I am cow, I am cow!

My third Kilo Burger at Norman's in Jerusalem

Last week we all went out to Norman’s in Jerusalem’s German Colony and had a few kilos of meat. Yes, I said a few kilos, as is twice that many pounds. Scott, Rob, Shira, my Dad and I went out for lunch and ordered just about everything on the menu. I ordered my kilo burger well done. The burger came on two buns of half a kilogram each (the patties) to ensure they were, as I put it, “very, very, very well done”. The burger platter came with a side of fries, pickles, and salad. Scott ordered the huge 700g steak, and we shared both. Shira, Scott and Rob all ordered the pumpkin soup for an early American thanksgiving, my Dad and I ordered the beef stew based on a tomato soup, as Canadian thanksgiving was a while ago. Following the soup, we had a platter of Israeli starters, including kubah, egg rolls, chummous, Moroccan cigars, and chicken wings. The service was fast and excellent. Pitchers of diet and regular coke later, we were in the midst of the main course with a steak sandwich for Rob, a steak for Shira, and a chicken breast lunch special for my Dad. The steak Shira ordered as part of the lunch special looked like the baby sibling of Scott’s steak, which he had grilled to medium-rare. Once we shared our orders, I had to send my steak back and had it re-cooked to extra well done. The steak and burger were excellent. Scott took home the “I ate a Kilo Burger” T-Shirt as I already had two from previous outings. I did get to keep the frequent client card however, you never know when I free burger or steak could come in handy. Checking the Norman’s site the other day (http://www.normans.co.il/) I found my name on the wall of fame. I don’t think it’s something you can do very often and not have dreams of marauding cows. The last time I had the kilo burger, was after Tel Rehov in 2005, I had two in the same week and had nightmares for days. I also didn’t eat for about a week, but that is another story. In contrast, at this past summer’s excavation at Tel Zaharah, much of the time spent digging under the blazing sun and resting under the shade of the olive trees during break was spent discussing Normans, kilo burgers, and steak. I suppose that it’s only natural to fantasize about an American style burger when you suddenly find yourself eating kibbutz schnitzel and hard boiled eggs as your major source of protein. I definitely think Norman’s is part of the Israel experience, and not just because of the massive quantities of beef. Sharing the experience with someone back home, you instantly bond in friendship, a life long connection seared in beef and tasty deserts. It’s hard to relate the Norman’s experience to someone who has never been, the best way to find out what it’s all about is to experience it for yourself. I am friends with one the waitresses there from Ulpan, she told me someone once came in and ate two kilo burgers back to back, it put me to shame. I never thought it would be my goal to eat the weight of an encyclopedia in beef, I guess it’s healthier to focus on other life goals. It would be strange getting the reputation as the guy who ate five back to back, people tend to look at you differently if they think you can eat them in one sitting. I guess it’s not a contest; I am quite content having my clothes too big on me. Dessert and tea was excellent, a huge selection, and the vanilla ice cream, although pareve, still tasted great after a few pounds of meat, bread and salads. My third kilo burger was quite an experience, one I am not sure I will be rushing to repeat. So to everyone from Tel Zaharah who dreamed of eating one, and to everyone who has, I look forward to seeing you soon at Norman’s!

The slideshow from my first kilo burger in 2004: http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-5465569841486799281